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Entry: These Tears Monday, July 31, 2006

It is strange how paradoxical one’s character can be; and even more so when I think of my own. How I am able to be so strong for others sometimes and yet, so weak when it comes to myself. How I believe that everyone needs to cry once in a while, and yet am reluctant to show my tears.

I cry at everything. Or perhaps, everything but when I am saddest, save for being in front of a certain person. I prefer to smile at sad situations, prefer to be the strong one, the quiet one, the one who comforts and nurtures. And yet, in front of him I cannot seem to hold back the tears, for he seems to break down that rigid control I once had over my tears, and I am not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I believe that sometimes rationality goes out of the window in a discussion where I am having more difficulty controlling my emotions than talking about the issues calmly. It has happened more times than I care to admit, and it is beyond my control.

What is this heightened sensitivity? As the years go by, I become more aware of issues, and my heart goes out to everyone and everything.

To the mother who had to single-handedly raise her children.
To the lover who made a mistake and cries out for his lost love.
To the children dying of AIDS in Africa.

I watch movies and cry because I am somehow able to connect with the characters and the situation in a case where most others don’t.

I do not understand why.

Is it a curse of a woman who is able to feel; or am I attaching too much significance to situations that I have never ever had to endure? Is feeling a sign of strength or of weakness? Where does the line between rationality and empathy lie, and will I ever be able to find that happy medium where I will be able to hold my ground?

“Tears are the strength of women,” Saint Evermond said.

I wish I could believe him, but I feel there is so much weakness In myself and my tears that I find it difficult to believe that I feel so much for a reason, and it is difficult to rationalize why I feel to deeply to the extent that I tear up at the slightest incident.

Therein lies the paradox, for I am able to show my tears towards the plight of others, but I am reluctant to share my sadness when it come to my own self.

Perhaps this is my task, so I may find the strength behind this tears I shed, the disconnection of what is personal and what is general. Perhaps.

16 comments


	adhish April 24, 2008 09:43 AM PDT loved your post.. tears is more complex than just sad body fluids.... kudos..well done


	Miss Aida August 21, 2006 12:48 PM PDT Kudos to the comments. It's interesting what sort of responses you get.


	Blink&ImGone August 19, 2006 06:58 AM PDT Aida, I've waited too long for you to say something, but I guess I'm just not the type who will wait that long. I think you gotta think deep and think about what you want in life, and really just listen to your own voice. This is classic overly hyper analysing within too constraint a scope. It's got to be broader and not just about emotions and tears and things associated with it. Life is bigger than that and life is certainly much more than that. We have to take in what happens around us, and by that I mean not just what is immeadiately around us but what is around us near and far. There is a lot of suffering in this world for example, a whole damn lot, and the last things on those peoples minds are what tears mean. So because of this, thinking too deeply and hyper analysing about emotions and tears for a partner or emotional dilema that is attached to love towards a partner can somewhat be seen as a luxury that we all cannot afford to dwell into, and has little place in the turbulent nature of the sufferings and injustices that happens around the world. Why don't you get on with it and decide what you want to be and trust your instincts. As I said, if the love you recieve is too complicated, then it is not true love at all. It could be just lust, infactuation, or just insecurities disguised as love. Just stating my views thanks. Wont bother you no more. I know you don't like to listen to views by others but rather this blog is a channel for you to express your feelings, thoughts and insecurities when you need to. I'm gone for good. Take care and good luck ... and no offence intended.


	Bodicea August 18, 2006 07:52 PM PDT They say that the strongest is the one who does not reveal weakness. Yet, the bravest thing one can do is to acknowledge his/her weakness. And embrace it. Because it's part of the concoction that makes you You. Yin and yang. Even the strongest has a weakness. Stay strong. Cry your heart out. It's only human. On a more empathic note, I cry too whenever I really feel those seemingly helpless beings. It shows that we care. Doesn't really matter if we do anything about it or not. Because I think they didn't really expect help in the first place. I doubt they want sympathy. But empathy. Cheers to your mind. :)


	Faiz August 17, 2006 04:42 AM PDT i don't know if this is true... but sometimes i come across movies where the women cry... not for their own sake... but rather they cry for their beloved. simply put: a lot of boys don't cry. so the women cry for them.


	Blink&ImGone August 15, 2006 02:47 AM PDT Aida, If you don't start saying something soon, I'm going to be gone, and gone for good.


	uner August 14, 2006 09:17 PM PDT tears are the strength of a women, trust me it can turn the world up-side-down. looks like you are a deep-heart kind of person eh


	Blink&ImGone August 13, 2006 03:40 PM PDT Hello Aida, Wrote a poem. Didnt have a place to put it, then I thought maybe you might appreciate it, so here it is. I haven't given it a title. The sirens come blazing by screaming The mind goes flying by dreaming Am I sleeping or am I asleep? Am I awoken or am I awake? What is this state of non belonging To any form of longing Distances and time Instances that don't cost a dime Space Where am I? Trace Don't follow that lie Truth lies in the footsteps in the sand Look back and gaze before high tide fills the land Without mountains there is no valley Without a valley there won't be a stream Without a stream there needn't a boat I need mountains so I can rally I need a valley so I can dream I need a stream to keep me afloat As the car shouts abuse And passes by without refuse The flashing lights fade The sirens delayed The blaring noise screaming by Loud and fuming with cry But no, please don't deprive I need it to make me feel alive


	Blink&ImGone August 12, 2006 03:46 PM PDT Hello Aida, For some reason you look familiar, I don't know why. You are a medic student in the UK who had just finished her 2nd year perhaps? Another 4 years to go? Four years is not much compared to a whole lifetime of being a doctor. There are only few places in UK that I can think of that you might be at, if you were in the UK that is. London? Sheffield? Manchester? Glasgow? St Andrews? Cardiff? Southampton? Bristol? Maybe Leicester? Maybe Dublin?? I am not a medic student, nor am I a doctor. I am a total stranger who is stepping into your private circle. I call it your private circle because this web 'place' I sense is where you and your friends 'ramble', and you all know one another. I sense a sensitive person, who definitely thinks a lot, but you also need to focus outwards, not just inwards, which is what you do most of the time. Take time to analyse not just the situation you are in and yourself, but also how someone else's life is shaping and how he or she is going through her life, without actually asking that person. Just observe and you can make interesting connections, and you will see a clearer picture of your own life. Tears are a sign of weakness at times, but they are also a sign of strength at the very same time. To cry can be an act of acknowledgement of an important event. People should cry for themselves alone, the best in private I find. I cry very very seldomly. But when I do, I do it by myself for my own emotional reward or relief. Yes I can call it not just relief but reward. When my father died, I didnt cry for days. Then at one moment when I was in deep thought and alone, I cried like I haven't cried before. It was a good feeling and it was as though I was celebrating the relationship I had with my father. It does not matter much what others think or feel. You might not think that you care what others think, but I sense that this is at the heart of your emotional unease. Love is not really that complicated. The simplest of things in this world are the most beautiful of things. If true love is complicated then it is not true love at all.


	Blink&ImGone August 11, 2006 11:27 AM PDT Tears can change atmosphere Atmosphere can change feelings Feelings can change perception Perception can change outlook Outlook can change attitude Attitude can change action Action can change the world Having the ability to change the world is power


	Morbid_muse (artanoma) August 11, 2006 08:57 AM PDT Tears have never been a curse. Why would they be? To cry is to be able to express without fear of being misunderstood. To articulate without speaking. To be able to show strength in adversity. I do not feel the need to hide my tears. And I am but a boy making his way through the world. The argument can be made that boys do not fear as much as girls. But real courage is in knowing what fear is, and dealing with it. And tears are courageous, because it is an acknowledgement of the weakness within. Perversely, therein lies our strength. Do not be afraid to cry.


	aLz August 9, 2006 09:13 PM PDT i have to agree that when emotions take control, all rationality falls apart. is it a curse of a woman being able to feel? perhaps. in some circumstances. but not being able to feel is the worst curse of all.


	Pudtz August 8, 2006 05:28 PM PDT The boys cry too. They just won't admit it. Hahaha...~


	dD August 5, 2006 11:07 PM PDT getting emotional is what women will always have. as strong as you can be, you'll break down and cry at the end eventually. :)


	Pudtz August 2, 2006 07:42 PM PDT I commiserate. But I also accept that feelings aren't meant to be rationalised. They just are. To feel is to be a human in our purest and most honest form.


	pinknerd August 1, 2006 02:59 AM PDT You know what? It's really funny because I feel the exact same thing and yeah, I worry too. Then again, I just think that when people keep their feelings inside for too long, they're bound to let it show anyhow, although not to everyone, but the 'chosen' ones, if you get what I mean :) I don't cry too because I also feel that crying is for the weak. But somewhere inside, I know that should I start, people won't view me any differently because they already know who I am. And I think we're sailing in the same boat this time. :)

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